Oy

Well, for some reason, homesickness has been setting in of late.

Could be many things. If nothing else, we are coming up on 8 months now that I've been living abroad, and while that's been 8 months filled with great people, great experiences, and great new adventures, it's still a long time to be away from the places and people that I truly feel at home with.

But I think there are other things happening too. I was re-admitted to the hospital on Monday, April 12, when the pain I had been dealing with for 2 weeks or so came back full force and then some. I was in the hospital for 3 nights, with a minor surgery on Wednesday to remove the troublesome kidney stone. Being in an Indian hospital, while I was very well taken care of, is definitely an experience that will highlight the differences between here and home. Additionally, it took me out of things for a while - I am only just now in the process of making it back to work.

The surgery was minor - in my opinion, there's no reason for recovery to have taken a full week like it has. Which means, I think, that it finally happened - I burned out. I realized in this time I've had that I was pushing myself so, so hard for something that I didn't even really enjoy anymore. It seemed as though everything was difficult to accomplish. Not just because of the usual frustrating things - lack of cooperation, communication, coordination - but also because of a serious lack of motivation on my part as well. I would work 12 hour days where I felt as though I accomplished nothing. I probably would have noticed earlier that I hated it, but I honestly think I was too exhausted to realize. And with Chandru, a good friend, my closest coworker, and my strongest source of support at DCSE resigning to accept a government job 2 hours away in Haveri, it looked like it was only due to get worse.

Friday, the day after I was released from the hospital, the first real rain of the season came. Genny and Suzanne, who have been my prime caretakers both during my hospital stay and my recovery, were both at work, leaving me at home to recuperate. I had been sitting in my living room watching Revenge of the Sith on my computer, and I noticed that the noise had picked up outside. It's like I had forgotten what a storm sounded like - I just knew it was loud. I went outside to my porch and was greeted by a fantastic storm. I don't even remember the last time I saw a thunderstorm - Ireland rain tended to be much more tame, and any rain I've experienced here has been negligible. I was in awe. I sat out on my porch steps for nearly an hour, watching it pour, watching the wind whip at the trees, and getting cooled by the sporadic gusts of mist sent in my direction. As the pouring rain had sent everyone inside and emptied the roads, and all other noise had been drowned out by the thunder, all of the normal sounds of Banashankri Layout had been silenced. It was a perfect time to reflect.

Obviously, not everything is negative. I still love working with the Fellows. I love it when I'm teaching, or working directly with people. Some reflection has revealed that if I'm to make the most out of the remaining 2 1/2 months or so, I have to get back to doing the things that I like. Or to doing things that make me feel like I'm learning something. In the beginning, I was learning how to be a teacher. I felt as though the experience had affirmed a calling that I'd already had clues to - working as an educator. Every day I was learning how to do it and how to do it better. Designing blogs and Facebook Pages and writing content are all good accomplishments, but they're not experiences that I feel are teaching me very much.

I need to see more of India. Working in the same office has ceased to be a real and enlightening cultural experience. I've barely seen anything outside of Hubli, and there are still vast gaps in my awareness of what even Hubli has to offer. This means that I have to find time to go elsewhere - allow myself the energy to visit nearby places on Sundays, and make time to see things a little bit farther out on slightly more extended trips. Hopefully, we can make it possible.

I guess this is something that I need to open up a dialogue about once I'm back at work. Hopefully people will be understanding - I think they will be. Since I've arrived there I've been told that they want this experience to be as meaningful for me as possible, and maybe I haven't taken as much advantage of that outlook as I should have. Oh well, we'll see where these next couple weeks take us. Thanks for reading.